A Day in junior year (Prequel to Escape the Doubt) not in the book
***unedited and just for fun***
Today at school, Josh accidentally brushed up against me when I was standing at my locker. At least I think it was an accident. I didn't care so much, because he smirked and spoke in that voice that made me melt. I lacked oxygen to my brain. See, I couldn't breathe. It's so hard to breathe when I crave him so much. Breathing him in makes me want more than I can ever have. He's untouchable. He is everything I want and can't have.
Then at our spot by the tree at lunch, he started humming this song and twitching his fingers like he needed to strum his guitar. I watched mesmerized at him--my own body hummed in response. He affects me. He has crawled inside of me and he doesn't even know it yet. He never will.
I'm so distracted by Josh all the time that after school when my boyfriend actually said something sweet and not revolting I didn't even hear him, I wanted him to never speak. His deep voice wasn't the same music in my ears as Josh's. And when Dean twirled my hair around his finger, right after saying that sweet thing, I had a moment of clarity. I was focused on that moment of clarity when his lips moved. I realized I didn't like it so much when he twirled my hair, however, I absolutely loved it when Josh did. I always take shuddering deep breaths when Josh twirls my hair. I exhale when Dean does. It's the opposite affect. I also realized, I don't know what the hell I'm doing.
See the thing is... I did a very stupid thing. I didn't mean for it to happen. I tried to fight it. But Josh is just always there, where I want him--need him. Hell, he lives next door, his bedroom window directly across from mine. It doesn't help matters that I've seen him without a shirt enough times that I could probably draw his chiseled chest on paper, it's singed into my brain. Every damn delicious ridge and valley, and don't get me started on that adonis line. I hear his voice all the time, even when he isn't near me. It haunts me. The way he sings for me, the flirty way he changes it just for me when we speak. And good lord, his eyes... the perfect hazel. The honey gold and green dance so sinfully together that I can't not lose myself in their depths. And it's utterly impossible to fight what I feel when he runs his hand through his messy, unruly, untamed dirty blonde hair--so suiting for him. Or how he places his lips onto my forehead--lingering just enough for me to inhale deeply the very scent of him that sets my heart skipping in my chest.
Yep, I did a very stupid thing. I fell. It's stupid because he is my best friend, the piece of me that keeps me together, that gets me like no one else. I've realized though, I can't ignore that stupid thing I did, because he's all I see, all I think about. He's in the air I breathe and I'm failing at getting over it, even with someone else by my side. I love him! I love Josh so desperately.
But then their is that other thing... the fact my dad killed his mom and he will never love me.