Monday, February 16, 2015
This is my journey
<3 If I bore you with my rambling, I apologize. Well, to explain how I got where I am now isn't easy. I've always been a writer with a very vivid, artistic brain, but story telling wasn't something I ever dabbled with in the big picture of things. I wrote songs, dark poetry and short stories to cope with emotions I never could say out loud. I also took creative writing in college and was told by my professor that I was gifted and should pursue it. I didn't listen. I didn't believe in myself. Not enough. My poetry and my songs were dark and depressing. It disturbed me that these things were in me. So, I kept them to myself. Hiding years of writing in journals. But it was cathartic and I felt better in releasing those emotions even if on paper, even if in private. Life happened, though. I fell in love first with my husband and three times thereafter with each of my children. There was light in my songs and poetry. I was proud of it, but it was still just mine. Eventually, writing took a back seat to life, but in 2013 my world was flipped upside down when my husband lost his job, then I lost mine. I was confused, sad, depressed and broken. We were broken. For the first time in years I needed the same escape I had before. I needed what I felt to be let out of me because I felt explosive and out of control. So I sat down and began writing Lost in the Dark, which is what I felt. It's not my debut, only because somewhere in that dark adventure with that novel I found two other characters that begged to tell their story and it's that story that gave me what I needed -- a reason to believe, to not look at this escape of mine as a curse, but as a gift. I was able to give my characters the poetry I wrote years before and let it help them heal the same way it did me. I gave them my songs. I let them be everything I never could be and in that adventure I found myself -- the person I hid for so long because I didn't understand her. Now I do. Now I believe and now I know that a year ago my life was topsy turvy, but somehow became exactly what it was meant to be. To ask what was I thinking a year ago when I hit publish the first time is impossible to answer. It's more what was I not thinking. I had a thousand thoughts racing at lightening speed, still do. My brain doesn't have an off button. I was afraid and nervous... still am. I was excited and eager... still am. I literally dove off the cliff with partially broken wings. I was so afraid to fail, afraid to fall, but for the first time in my life I had hope that I wouldn't fall and fail, but that my wings would be mended and I'd fly instead. I can't pinpoint my thoughts, but I can say that now a year later with three books published and best friends writing beside me that I feel so very blessed. I love you all and this journey for helping me find myself. I love that I can finally share what bleeds out of me onto pages and not feel shame. I feel free. Thank you for being with me while I find myself again.