RILEY
Sometimes
to escape the noise of haunting memories you need your best friends hand in
your own to help erase the sound and fill you with a sense of peace, even if
it’s temporary.
“I thought I
would find you here,” Josh said sitting next to me interlacing his fingers with
my left hand as I trace over my dad’s name on his tombstone. “You okay? You
look far away.” He always worries about me especially on this day.
I nod swiping a
few lost tears. “I was just remembering that day. Their angry words thunder so
loudly in my head. It’s been three years today and it still hurts.” I rub the
throb in my chest that never dulls.
He pulls me to
his side, kisses my forehead the way he always does. “I don’t think the hurt of
losing someone goes away. Some days are better than others. But missing them…
that feeling I think is just always they’re lying dormant. Something as simple
as a song on the radio or the smell of their perfume on someone else triggers
all those memories and in one moment you’re trapped in the past.” He sighs getting lost in his past.
I look at him,
my best friend, his own pain from loss etched all over his face. The guilt
kills me everyday. He understands more than anyone how I feel except for the
guilt. “I’m sorry Josh,” I whisper.
He cups my chin
tilting my face to his, “Riley, we do this every year and every year you
apologize to me. It’s not your fault that your dad got in the car that night or
that my mom was a victim of his drunk driving.“
“It’s my dad’s
fault. My mom’s fault. Therefore I am guilty by association. He never should
have been on the road. I’m sorry we came into yall’s lives. Because of that you
don’t have your mom. It’s not fair.” I choke on every word as it burns out of
my throat.
He abruptly
stands and pulls me to my feet. “Riley stop blaming yourself because I sure as
hell don’t. Yes it hurts. God, it hurts some days to not have her here but
never, and I mean never, have I
wished for even a second that you not be in my life. You mean the world to me,
Riley Shaw.” He grabs my hand and places a soft kiss on my palm.
God I love him.
Why is life so cruel?
“You mean the
world to me too, Joshua Parker. I lo… I care about you so much.” I bite the
inside of my cheek painfully as I realize my almost slip.
Josh stares at
me for the longest moment with the strangest of expressions. I wonder if he
caught that. Shit! He eventually smiles and interlaces our fingers. “C’mon,
your mom is worried sick about you. If I don’t get you home soon she is going
to send out a search party.” He laughs trying to lighten the mood.
I hold onto his
hand like he is my lifeline and walk with him to his truck. Only if everything
was different we could be together like we were meant to be. I wish everything
were different.
Once were in
the truck Josh asks the question that I’ve been asking myself all day. “Why is
Dean not here with you Riley?”
I look out the
window as the world passes by in a blur. Dean isn’t with me today because he
isn’t with me anymore. When I turn my
face to look at Josh I want to tell him everything. That we broke up two days
ago. That it hurt like hell but I didn’t care like I should because Dean isn’t
the one I loved anyway. That every decision for the past two years is one big
giant mountain of doubt. “He had to work but I’m sure he will stop by later.” He won’t.
Josh studies my
face I’m sure sensing the half lie or the withheld truth. “M’kay… so wanna tell
me what happened this morning to have your mom in such a state of panic that
she thought you might catch a bus and disappear for good?” He grins knowing my
Mom always thinks I’m on the verge of running away.
I’m too broke
and weak to run away physically, however emotionally I’ve been on the run since
that day three years ago, maybe even before.
I sigh and
laugh although it’s not a laugh of humor. “I ran off this morning after yelling
at her for the longest time. I told her that I remember every word, every fight
and every reason why I hate them both.” I see that my words disappoint him so I
turn back to the window looking away from him.
Today is one of
those days where I do feel that hate for them. I hate that they loved so little
and fought so hard. I hate that my Dad chose to drown his pain in a bottle and
took his anger to the road killing an innocent woman on her way home from her
son’s sports banquet for football. A son that is my best friend and the very
person I love with every fiber inside of me, changing our futures forever.
Josh sighs and
I know he is about to spill his words of wisdom. The same thing I have heard
from him more than once. “Riley you need to forgive them. I have. My family
has. We can’t go back and change the decisions of that day. But if you keep
living in the past you can never move forward.”
They ruined
everything. His dad is without the love of his life. Josh and his sister are
without their Mom. They stole happiness from them and because of that I can
never allow myself to have any happiness with him. A bottle of booze, a car
accident, and 6 feet of Earth on two important people cemented my decision to
never let myself have him. I didn’t deserve him. Maybe I was punishing myself
for my dad’s decision but it’s what I had to do. Every time he would look at me
he would see what my Dad took from him. It was too much.
I used to wear
my heart on my sleeve. I used to dream of a time Josh and I could be together.
Some of my sweetest memories are shared with him. Yet looking back, even within
those sweet memories there are bitter memories too of a boy that was already
plotting his invasion of my life.
4
years previous
Freshman:
fresh meat, a beginner, a novice, someone who is naïve, a first-try effort or
the first time to screw it up
“Earth to Riley. Did you hear me? I
think I want to kiss Laiken.”
I heard him
fine. I just hated what I heard. Laiken was the first girl to look at Josh with
hungry curious eyes. Since Josh and I had been best friends since kindergarten
he never saw me as a real girl and I
was to scared to cross the line and lose my friend.
Josh was the
quarterback on the JV football team and Laiken was head cheerleader on her JV
squad. They were a match made in social heaven. I was a wallflower in the
background looking in. But he saw me. He saw her too though.
Josh and I were
babysitting the brats otherwise known as our little sisters. It’s date night
for our parents, which hardly ever happens being that only one of those couples
actually likes the other.
We were alone which was not unusual.
Even our parents saw us as innocent friends. If they only knew what I saw when
I looked at him. How I craved him then they might not have been as trusting.
I was busy
making brownies. Baking was something I did when I was nervous and needed to
keep my hands busy. Usually I write in my journal but Josh was here so baking
it was. I was mixing like a mad woman. I felt like that. What was I supposed to
say to that? My best friend, the boy I wanted to be mine, wanted to kiss
another girl. Not just any kiss, it would be his first kiss. That’s a big deal
right?
I could say…
“Good luck, hope you do it well” or better yet I could say… “Hope it sucks and
she slobbers on you and you hate it, maybe even bites you accidentally and
scares you to never do it again”. Who was I kidding? Biting his lip would only
make her the best damn kisser ever. Ugh!
I could feel his grin and for the life
of me I didn’t understand why he was grinning. None of what he said made me
happy.
Stir stir stir.
Bastard.
I finally said, “I heard Josh. I mean… I don’t know what
you want me to say or why you’re telling me this.”
“I’m telling
you because what you think matters to me,” he threw out there.
Mix mix mix.
Honesty? Yes I
think so.
“Well I think I don’t like Laiken. I
think she flirts with all the boys in school. I think the fact that she has
already kissed three other boys while y’all have been hanging out say’s
something. I mean she is so fake. She laughs at everything you say and
seriously you’re not that funny. Well I mean you are funny but not like all the time.” I rambled and realized I
had said way too much.
He threw his
head back and laughed. God, I loved his laugh. It was the best sound. “Your
adorable when you are like this.”
I poured the
brownie mix into the pan and bent over to place it in the oven. When I stood
up, I noticed he was looking at my butt. I set the timer ignoring why he was doing
that. I placed my hands on my hips and tilted my head. “Like what exactly
Josh?”
He smirked like
he knew something I didn’t and locked eyes with mine. “Like that. Like you’re
jealous.” He gestured at my posture.
I grabbed the
spoon covered in brownie mix and held it up in front of me like a gooey weapon.
“I’m not jealous Josh.” I soooo was.
“Why would I be?” That’s right, faking nonchalance.
I licked the
chocolate goodness from the spoon. Brownie mix was the best. He cleared his
throat and swallowed hard. His eyes narrowed and he asked, “I don’t know Riley.
Why would you be?” His eyes watched my mouth nervously lick the chocolate like
he wanted a taste.
I rolled my
eyes. “I’m not. You want your first kiss to suck, and it will because Laiken
isn’t the right girl for you, then go for it. Have fun.”
His eyes
flicked between the spoon and my mouth and a smirk crossed his lips like he
suddenly had an idea I wasn’t privy to knowing.
“Oh I’m sorry
did you want some?” I asked holding out the spoon for him.
His eyes were
telling me something, giving me a clue. I dragged my tongue along my bottom lip
erasing any left over batter. He nodded but didn’t move. I went to pull the
spoon back to my mouth but he grabbed my wrist holding the spoon in between us
both as a hostage.
My mouth formed
an O as he slowly licked a trail up the spoon… damn lucky spoon I thought. I
couldn’t help but watch his mouth the entire time. “Hmm,” he moaned like he
thought it was delicious. I thought his lips probably tasted delicious too.
Chocolate and Josh would be the best mixture of sweet. All these thoughts about
Josh like that took me by surprise but I couldn’t help it. Something in me was changing. Shifting.
The air
changed. He didn’t let go of my wrist. He watched my eyes watch his mouth and
damn if he didn’t wickedly grin at me. He pushed up close to me. So close in
fact that his chest meshed with mine and I suddenly forgot how to breathe.
“Um, what are
you doing Josh?” I whispered breathlessly.
He smiled,
“Shhh… it’s okay. You just have a little chocolate right there.”
“Where?” I
asked embarrassed but then he lowered his head and… oh hell.
He moved the
spoon back to the bowl and leaned in, his tongue softly licked a spot by the
corner of my mouth. I couldn’t help but shut my eyes and softly moan. My body
fell limp against the counter. I braced my hands on the edge just to keep my
balance.
It wasn’t until
I felt the loss of his warmth that I knew he had stepped back and when I slowly
opened my eyes I found him watching me with my lips parted wishing for his
tongue to enter my mouth.
I puffed out
the breath I wasn’t completely aware that I was holding. He was studying my
face with a satisfied look. “I got it.” He smiled crookedly. “So about that
first kiss. I could think of a way to make it not suck.” Oh I could too.
I so could picture lots of ways.
I looked away
from him, feeling the blush creep up to my cheeks as the image in my mind
blazed. “How is that?” He stepped back into my space and gently tugged my chin
to him, forcing me to meet his gaze. I was trapped in his beautiful hazel eyes
that I didn’t notice him reaching into the brownie bowl and dragging his
fingers all through the chocolate.
He laughed and stepped back tapping my
nose with a chocolate covered finger. “Gotcha.”
I squealed, “Oh
my God. You are so dead, Joshua Parker.” I reached in and coated my own fingers
in chocolate and began to chase him around the island wiping my hand along his
cheek when I caught him and I was laughing hysterically as I did.
He grabbed my
hand before I could run away. My heart was racing. My breathing was fast. And I
knew he was up to no good by the sinful little twinkle that danced in his hazel
eyes. No good at all. My laughter fizzled out as something else took its place.
Something unfamiliar, yet wanted so badly.
He took my
messy hand and placed my index finger into his mouth sucking the chocolate
clean. I felt dizzy. I could feel his tongue swirl around my finger and
something in my belly clenched tight.
I stumbled
back, my back hitting something hard. He let my finger go with a pop and we
stared at each other for the longest time. Not moving just breathing.
He tucked a
curl behind my ear. “That was fun.” He smirked and my toes curled. Did he not
see how he affected me? What the hell was that?
“I um… yea… I
should get a napkin.” I knew it was such a stupid thing to say. I should get a
napkin. No I should attack your face and lick it clean that’s what I should
have done.
I moved around
him and wet a paper towel in the sink. He didn’t move. He just watched me with
an unreadable expression.
I reached up on
my tippy toes and started dabbing away the chocolate mess I had coated his
cheek with. He was motionless with the exception to the way his chest was
rising and falling. “All clean,” I said as I softly smiled.
He grinned and
took the napkin from my hand and began to gently wipe the chocolate off of my
nose. Once he was done he placed his hands on both sides of me caging me in
between his hard chest and the kitchen counter. “I want to kiss you,” he
blurted out. Wait! What?
“I thought you
wanted to kiss Laiken?” Stupid
Riley. Stupid, stupid Riley, I thought again. Just shut up.
He shook his
head back and forth, “Nah you were right she isn’t the right girl. There is
only one solution to making my first kiss not suck and that’s if you let me
kiss you.” His eyes never left mine.
I wanted to kiss him. But truth was Josh seemed to not really know what he
wanted lately. I wondered if I kissed him did that mean Laiken no longer
existed?
“Stop over
thinking it Riley. Can I kiss you?” he asked permission again knowing me so
well. I was over thinking it. I nodded. “Okay”
“Okay?” his
breathe feathered across my lips as I nodded again.
I trembled in
anticipation as he lowered his mouth to mine.
A gentle, soft,
sweet peck at first was what he placed on my lips. As my hands reached up
around his neck to pull him closer to me and I tangled his dirty blond hair in
my fingers he groaned deep in his throat and his tongue teased my lips to open
for him, allowing him to deepen this kiss.
I was nervous. What if I did it wrong?
What if my kiss sucked and kissing Laiken would be better? “What ifs” filled my
head as my body was humming. I willed myself to shut up and parted my lips
allowing him in and it was like our mouths were made for each other. My tongue
began to dance with his and I wanted it to never stop.
It did stop. Definitely not saved by the
bell.
The doorbell rang and we both jumped apart panting heavy
and staring at the other in shock. It ended way too briefly for my liking. I
felt on fire. Tingling in a way I wasn’t used too.
“Riley, Dean’s
at the front door,” Tatum shouted loudly from the living room.
Josh raised his
eyebrows at me probably just as curious as I was about why he would be ringing
my doorbell. Dean was a tolerable pain in my ass, but was a friend nonetheless.
I struggled to
slow my breaths. Josh had completely composed himself as though he was
unaffected completely. Like nothing amazing just happened. He left the kitchen
and walked to the living room to open the front door. I followed in a cloud of
confusion.
“Oh, hey Josh,
what are you doing here? Is, um, Riley here?” Dean tripped over his words. He
was always a little weird about Josh and I always being so close and he was
more than tickled pink about Josh potentially dating Laiken.
“Yea man, she’s
right there. We’re just babysitting the brats,” he joked and pointed at me over
his shoulder. I was still frozen in a state of “what-the-hell?”
I walked into
the living room. My mind felt on overdrive. Something life changing had just
happened to me and Josh seemed like he’d already forgotten it. I saw it briefly
in his eyes when I looked at him. A feeling he wanted me to see but it was gone
in a blink of an eye, the softness turning cold. I looked at Dean and I know he
saw it. Something non verbal being shared between Josh and I. His eyes darted
between us both uneasily.
Josh said,
“he’s here for you” In a flat tone that I didn’t understand. I nodded, words
escaping me.
He did the guy
nod to Dean, “She’s all yours man,” he told him and I was at a loss at what
just happened. Why his mood had suddenly crashed and burned. I wondered what he
meant by that?
All his? The hell I am.
Josh seemed mad
at me. And I didn’t understand any of it at all. He pulled out his phone and
with all the power to hurt me with words he did just that. “I’ll be in the
kitchen. I forgot to call Laiken back.”
Just a sliver
of my heart fell apart that day. He just kissed me senseless and he is calling her? What meant the world to me meant
nothing to him? It hurt like a bitch.
I watched Josh
walk to the kitchen, my mouth was wide open in shock.
Dean spoke to
my back, completely dense to what he just did. “I’m sorry to just stop by. I
need to talk to you about something. Can you come outside?” He shifted
uncomfortably with his eyes tracked to the path of the kitchen as well.
I turned my
eyes back to him and blinked a few times. I felt like I was going to cry. Josh
had just kissed me and it felt for me like the Earth moved and now he was in
the kitchen on the phone with Laiken probably planning how he would kiss her
next. Maybe that kiss would be—the thought died there. I nodded and followed
Dean outside wishing he would just go away and leave me alone.
We sat on the
stairs of my porch. “What’s up Dean?” my voice cracked.
“Emily broke up
with me.”
What? Why?
“What? Why?” I
asked.
He looked at my
face and sighed, “because she knows I like someone else and she kinda likes
Brad now anyway.”
I looked at him,
the right words not there. Dean and I were friends but why would I care that he
and Emily were calling it quits? My mind was wandering. What’s Josh saying on
the phone in the kitchen? I should probably go check my brownies and interrupt
him. I should go do that. “Brad, huh?” I said.
“Yea and I like
someone else,” he repeated himself. Again, I thought what did this have to do
with me?
I mean Josh
sucked on my finger, he asked to kiss me, and he put his tongue in my mouth.
“You do?” I stated it like a question but I didn’t really care to know the
answer.
He nodded.
“Yea, she has no idea how amazing she is. There has just always been something
about her.”
More wandering
thoughts. What does Josh see in Laiken anyway? Doesn’t he know that she flirts
with everyone? Why would someone like her be any good for him? What did Dean
just say? Oh yea… “That’s great Dean. I’m happy for you. So who is she?” I
looked back at the front door. I really needed Dean to leave so I could go
figure out what had just went so epically wrong.
He whispered it
so lowly I barely heard him, “she’s you. I like you Riley.”
“What?” I said.
Shocked, my eyes darting to his eyes. My mind was completely focused on what he
was saying for the first time since we had come outside. “You like me?” I
pointed to myself like an idiot.
He reached up
grabbing one of my curls like he always did and twined it around his fingers.
All this time I thought it was a friendly gesture but now maybe I think maybe
it was just a way to touch me. “I do. I tried not to. I mean I tried to just
stop it but I always think about you,” he whispered and tucked the curl behind
my ear.
I swallowed
hard and felt like I was having an outer body experience. Before I could
rationalize anything in my mind, Dean turned my face to his and I didn’t mean
to but I leaned into his hand as he cupped my cheek.
I was feeling
sad. I wanted these words to be coming out of Josh’s mouth but his words were
being spoken to Laiken as I sat there.
He moved his
mouth slowly to mine and I knew I should have pushed him away but I couldn’t
move. I was frozen in shock. I mean Josh had just blew me off.
Dean kissed me
softly and it wasn’t full of the fireworks that I had just felt but it was…
nice. Just a lingering peck, nothing more pushed, a soft pause on my lips. When
he pulled back he was smiling.
I forced a grin
back, the words were trapped somewhere inside of me. I don’t like you like that. I should have said that. I wondered why
I didn’t say that. I just couldn’t
find my voice. He got up and walked backwards down my driveway. “We will talk
later, K?”
“K,” I
breathed. I watched until he was no longer visible. And then I rested my head
in my hands letting a few tears escape.
After wiping my
cheeks I stood up and turned back around to walk into the house, freezing when
I saw Josh standing in the doorway. He saw the entire thing. I could tell by
how his jaw was set tightly and how his eyes were staring off toward down the
road. His arms were braced above him on the door frame. His body stiff and
beautiful. If he wasn’t so angry looking that is.
“Josh…” his
cold eyes darted to mine.
“Don’t! You and
Dean make a cute couple,” he said it like he hated the idea of it but he smiled
at me like it was a brilliant idea.
I looked at him
with all the confusion I was feeling. “We are not a couple. I think he’s just
confused.”
“His mouth
didn’t seem confused Riley. Look…
Laiken and her mom are coming to pick me up. I already called my parents
so they know about it. I took the brownies out while you were… doing what you
were doing out here,” he said pointing in a circle at the steps I was just
sitting on and straightening his body in the doorway.
A tear fell
from my eyes and I wiped it quickly before he saw it. He was being so mean to
me and I just didn’t understand why he would be mad at me. I didn’t set out to
kiss Dean but I guess I didn’t stop it either. “Ok Josh. It’s not what it
looked like. I promise.” I whispered and went to move around him to get inside.
He seized me by
my elbow and when I didn’t turn around to face him he sighed heavily in his
chest. “A first kiss, a second kiss all in one night Riley. That’s what it
looked like. Which one was better? Wait don’t answer that. I will soon know the
answer for myself when I—,”
I jerked my arm
back and turned to him with all the venom I felt for how he was making me feel
inside. “When you what Josh… kiss Laiken?”
He leaned into
my ear, his hot breathe causing me to shiver and, he whispered, “No kiss will
taste as sweet as yours. Good luck with Dean.” And with that he took off down
the steps toward his yard.
I chased after
him. “Josh stop,” I begged.
He turned
around and I didn’t know what I saw when I looked at him. Fear? Anger? Sadness?
I just didn’t know. All my life I had been able to read Josh. But recently
things were shifting and I couldn’t always read him. It scared me.
“What Riley?”
he yelled. He never yelled at me before. It caught me off guard. His hands were
balled into fist, he was angry.
I walked right
up to him, standing almost on my toes to meet his eyes. I placed my hand on his
chest. His heart was pounding underneath my palm. I hated that he was so mad at
me. “I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what the hell happened tonight but
please don’t be mad at me Josh.”
His eyes
softened, his shoulders slumped and he placed his head on my forehead in
defeat. “I’m not mad at your Riley. I’m mad at myself. I shouldn’t have said
all of that. I’m not going to Laiken’s tonight. I never even called her. I
lied. I just…” he trailed off pulling back to look at me.
“You just
what?” I said quietly.
He pulled me
into a hug and I didn’t know what to make of it but I loved how perfect I felt
with his arms around me. I hugged him back like there would never be another
time.
“You mean a lot
to me Riley. You’re my girl, my best friend, ya know? All this stuff is
confusing. And you and Dean like that, well it’s just weird and I don’t like
how it makes me feel.” He releases me and rubbed behind his neck, looking up to
the sky.
“Josh you mean
everything to me too. There is no Dean and me. I don’t know what to say about
what you saw because I am just as confused as you are that it happened,” I
said.
His eyes darted
to mine. “He likes you Riley,” he stated it like it all made perfect sense.
Like he already knew this. Did he know?
“I know.” Now I
do. But I didn’t like him like that. I didn’t think I liked him like that.
“Do you like
him?” His eyes studied mine with such intensity that I wasn’t familiar with.
I shook my head
back and forth. The answer came to me so quickly although I questioned its
truth. “No… not like that.”
“Do you like me
like that?” he asked his voice was barely above a whisper.
Yes that I knew
for a fact. I did. I looked at him.
The truth was on my tongue, ready to fall freely into the wind. If I told him
yes, it would crush me if he didn’t feel the same. Worse… what if he did feel
the same and I did something to screw it up or he changed his mind later? My
dad loved my mom once but he still cheated on her. He still hurt her beyond repair.
I could lose my best friend if I let myself feel the truth. I betrayed my own
heart that day.
“You’re my best
friend and I liked kissing you and I don’t like the way it feels seeing you
with other girls. Shit, I don’t even like talking about it or thinking about it
but… but…” How could I explain? I was afraid he would hurt me. I was afraid
that I loved him so deeply that he had the power to ruin me.
He cupped my
chin and the look in his eyes was killing me slowly. He whispered quietly, “but
what?”
Tears began to
trickle down my cheeks and I didn’t know why exactly, maybe for the loss of the
possibility. I just felt so emotionally drained. My system had been shocked.
“But it’s
probably not a good idea. I would be lost without you and were only 14 and you
seem curious about everything where I am fine with everything staying the
same.” I lied. I wasn’t fine.
In a perfect
world where love didn’t scare me to death and forever existed, he would say
what I wanted. He would have said –,”
It’s a perfect idea Riley. You’re my girl,
my only girl, and I will love you, only you forever”.
We didn’t live
in that perfect world. In reality he said, “I guess I am a little curious.
Things stay the same… for now. But one day Riley we may have this conversation
again and when we do I hope you say yes.”
His eyes bore
into mine and then he placed a sweet kiss on my forehead. I wiped at my eyes as
he stepped back leaving me standing in the yard with a feeling like nothing
would ever stay the same and I hoped that conversation would happen again one
day and that I would have the strength and security to say yes.
<3<3<3
That
conversation could have happened the next year but my Dad made a bad decision
that made it impossible to ever embrace it. Instead it blew away in the wind,
whispering little doubts of why Josh and I could never be more than best
friends.
Copyright
2013 by Andrea Michelle
